Holding On Or Letting Go
by clarebones
Summary: Reid is growing tired of playing games with Amanda, but will he give up on Adam?


Spencer closed his eyes and let the gentle patter of rain on the window lull him nearly to sleep. The dimly lit room felt cozy, and he was exhausted. A jumbled array of images flashed through his mind and he didn't bother trying to make sense of them. Even pushing them to the back of his conciousness would require more effort than he was willing to expend at the moment.

The click of the doorknob brought him back to the present. Opening his eyes, he sat up straight in the chair and turned his attention to the door. Amanda strutted into the room, followed by a nurse.

"Hello, Dr. Reid," she sighed, falling casually into a chair and tossing her hair back with a shake of her head. Spencer gathered what bearings he could muster before addressing her. He was tired of her games and her flippant attitude. Over the past two years there had been times when the idea of giving up and leaving her alone had crossed his mind, but that was an impossibility. He could not give up. He'd reminded himself that this was all for _him._

Spencer would not rest until he'd found Adam.

He nodded to the nurse and she left the room, closing the door gently behind her. Spencer leaned toward Amanda, resting his elbows on his knees.

"You know what I want, Amanda," he started with a sigh in his voice.

"You look tired, Doctor," Amanda interrupted with a sly grin. "Maybe you should come back when you're feeling better." Spencer rolled his eyes.

"I'm not doing this with you anymore. You've got to let him go. This isn't right, and it isn't healthy." He leaned back once more and surveyed her arrogant expression.

"Now Doctor, you know as well as I do what will happen to Adam if I let him go-" Amanda crossed her legs as she spoke, faltering when Spencer cut her off.

"And I've told you five hundred and thirty-six times, Amanda. I'll help him. I won't let him suffer for what you've done. My team and I will make sure Adam is ok." He raised his eyebrows in an impatient expression. Amanda opened her mouth to speak, but stopped short. The look in her eyes made obvious her shock at Spencer's firm speech. She knew that he was losing patience with her and wasn't sure what impact that would have on the comfortable dynamic she had established with him.

"And if I let him go, what happens to me?" She asked quietly, looking at her hands, a rare expression of vulnerability. Spencer cleared his throat.

"You know the answer to that. You disappear. You will no longer exist." He pulled himself closer to her, the chair dragging on the tile floor, sounding like an earthquake in the silence that stretched between them.

"That's worse than being alone, Doc," Amanda nearly whispered, "...not existing."

Spencer wasn't prepared for this reaction. He could see Amanda breaking down, but had never in the past two years imagined that she actually had feelings other than rage. He was speechless watching as tears began softly falling down her face, her usual arrogant smirk replaced by a genuine look of hopelessness. This had gone on for too long. Amanda was never supposed to be this real. Spencer had entertained this charade for too long and now he feared it would never end; that Amanda would never let it end.

"You can't think like that, Amanda," he said. "You helped Adam, protected him. You accomplished what you set out to do. Now it's time to pass that responsibility along to someone else and let Adam live his life." Amanda quickly met his gaze. Anger had replaced the sadness in her eyes.

"And who do you suggest I pass it along to, you? You can't even take care of yourself- look at you. You're sick, Reid. And the fact that I can see it and you won't acknowledge it just proves how fucking sick you actually are." She crossed her arms and Spencer sat back, Amanda's response catching him off guard.

"Wha- no, you don't know what you're talking about," he replied, fumbling. He felt himself quickly losing control of the situation.

"I'm crazy, but I'm not stupid," Amanda spat. "You want Adam back for yourself. Not because he needs you, but because you need him." Her glare burned right through Spencer.

"No, you're just trying to manipulate me and it's not going to work," he replied, straightening himself up in his seat.

"God, for a genius you can be really dense sometimes," Amanda leaned toward Spencer, who recoiled as if her words physically pained him. "You need to realize that you're only lying to yourself. If you don't think your team mates have come to the same conclusion I have then you should just ask them."

Spencer's head was swimming. He wanted to deny her again, but he couldn't think of the words. He felt like the chair had disappeared from under him.

"I- you can't-" Spencer sputtered, shaking his head. He knew this was wrong. He was a professional and couldn't let Amanda get the best of him. He struggled to regain his composure as Amanda moved in her seat. She grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and pulled him forward, nearly jerking him out of his chair. Before Spencer realized what was happening, Amanda pressed her lips to his. Spencer wanted to pull away, but didn't have the strength to fight Amanda's hold.

He felt Amanda's warm tears fall on his face and suddenly everything changed. Everything he'd been struggling with and everything that had worried him for the past year faded to the back of his mind and left only the kiss. He kissed her back desperately, as if trying to draw part of her into himself, to fill the emptiness left by the lack of worry. He hadn't realized how alone he'd felt, nor for how long.

Amanda cradled his face in her hands, not caring that her tears were washing away her mascara, not noticing when Spencer, in his sudden desire to feel her as close as possible, had accidentally pulled off her wig. She suddenly dropped to her knees in front of him and closed her eyes, letting out a long sigh.

Worried, Spencer gently squeezed her shoulder and asked, "Are you ok?" His own voice cracked with emotion. Amanda slowly opened her eyes and blinked, as if trying to focus on Spencer's face, looking slightly confused.

"Dr. Reid?" The voice that spoke Spencer's name wasn't Amanda's. Spencer felt like he'd had the wind knocked out of him.

"Adam?" He nearly choked. Adam shook his head, still looking dazed. Spencer wiped his mouth with his sleeve and helped Adam stand.

"What happened?" Adam asked, looking around and then down at his own body, dressed in unfamiliar clothes.

"It's a long story," Spencer sighed. Adam wiped his eyes.

"I feel like I just woke up," he muttered.

"It's ok," Spencer assured him. "Everything is going to be ok." He sank back into his chair, the feeling of exhaustion and worry once again hitting him like a ton of bricks. He hadn't expected that. Adam looked at him shyly and took the seat across from him.

"You look miserable, Dr. Reid. Are you sure everything's ok?" Adam narrowed his eyes and Spencer rubbed his own.

"I think so, I don't know," Spencer admitted. "I think I need help."

"I'll help you," Adam replied, leaning forward. Spencer chuckled. "Seriously, you promised to help me, so it's the least I can do." He took Spencer's hand in his own and added,

"We can help each other."

Spencer leaned forward and placed his free hand on Adam's shoulder. The two of them rested their foreheads together and sat in comfortable silence for a few seconds before Spencer said,

"Everything really is going to be ok, Adam."


End file.
